Eternal identity

Children's relationships with their parents are constantly changing. For me the relationship was incredibly strained in my adolescence. At 16 my parents discovered I was queer and not a member of their faith. I tried to keep this from them because I knew they did not approve.  They proceeded to treat me in a way that felt like punishment for the remainder of time I was in their home for simply existing as a queer woman.  I held strong boundaries and chose to not share anything about myself with them because of this experience. When I moved out of my parent’s home, I experienced heartbreak for the first time. My mother came to me and expressed that she wanted to help me through the heartbreak. She said she didn't fully understand it but wanted to help me how she could. She let me cry and express how I felt. Even though she didn't understand, she put in effort to show she cared for me. My father also showed more acceptance. We have openly spoken about my queerness. He shows an understanding I didn’t think was possible. 

With all this healing that has occurred in our relationships I find myself reflecting. When the blaring issues in a relationship disappear you have time to think about the things that are quieter. Because of this I have found something that brings me extreme anxiety.

Do they have the ability to love me fully if they don’t accept my queerness?

I don't know the answer, but I know it makes me feel incredibly sad. I am using this project as a way to explore why I feel this way. I hope This project allows other parents and their children to think about their relationships and to explore how your beliefs and other factors could be damaging your relationships. 

The images in this artwork are self-portraits with images of my family covering my face. Showing the desire I have to follow in my parents footsteps. A quilt and two button up shirts are my canvas. Both acting as symbols of my parents. Printing these images using the method of cyanotype, creates an image that is not fully developed. The color is monochromatic and because of this something is missing. I feel something is missing within my parents and I's relationship. The feeling that I will never fully be what my parents want. 

I want marriage, and children, a family of my own. We have the same goals and desires. But can i achieve all of these things in their eyes if I am queer. If I marry and start a family with a woman, will my parents really fully love me? I don't want them to tolerate my love, I want them to celebrate it fully.

cy·an·o·type

noun: cyanotype; plural noun: cyanotypes, a photographic blueprint. Printing process using UV light.